Rationalizing Death
by Ellixer
Summary: Set in season 5, Scully has terminal cancer and so on, this is just what she may have been thinking.


**Title:** Rationalizing Death

**Rating:** PG

**Endorse:** The characters and show belong to FOX, CC, and 1013. The story is mine.

**Summary:** It set during the period in which Scully was dying from cancer. I had written a shell of this story a long time ago. This is basically that story a little more in depth. I hope you like it. If you want to, listen to How to Disappear Completely by Radiohead.

**Note:** Tidied up a bit. I won an award for this one way back when.

The simple things are so important now that they are so much more than simple. Every day I think about the way things used to be. I think about everything that I wish I had, or want to have, but wont. How can these things just happen? My faith has been tested. How can anyone deal with what has been set before me. I can't. This has made me realize what I have missed out on, what has been right before my eyes, but I ignored. 'sigh.' All I really want is for this to just go away. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and it will be gone. But I think I've run out of miracles for the time being.

When I'm gone, 'sigh,' when I'm gone what will everyone else do? My mother, she can't lose another daughter. And what about Mulder? He is so much to me, and I am so much to him. These tears that fall so heavily down my face, they do nothing to ease the pain. Not just the physical pain, but the pain in my very soul. It is eating away at me just like cancer, only somehow worse. How can I just accept my fate knowing what can be? Knowing the things that I can experience still, and the things that I want. Is that so selfish, to want? I can do nothing about it, but feel my body decay away. I….. I just wish things were different.

It's hard to describe the things you feel when you are laying in a hospital bed, dying. All I can do is remember the good times I had, even some of the bad. Watch my future slip away, along with the people I love. Remember why I haven't given up yet, why I fight till the end. Try not to think about my funeral, the things they will say when remembering me. What does one do when they know they are going to die? Try to remain strong for everyone else? Make it somehow less painful for them? This is all just too much. That I am even thinking about these things, that I even have to think about these things. Never can you grasp the concept in its entirety. Not even at all.

"Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary mother of God pray for our sins, now and at the hour of our death."

Can I really accept this? I am constantly asking myself this. Every day I torture myself with the reality of what is happening. What else can it be but torture. I must hold back the tears. I have to be strong. I have to be strong. But I can't be strong anymore. I just can't do it anymore. I'm not giving up, even though the fight is futile. I… I….. I can't. I try to accept. Over and over I try to tell myself this is what is going to happen, accept it. But I can't, and I don't know if I ever will. I wish I could. Things would be so much easier that way. If only I could accept. But I can't accept death in its eternalness.

Just tell me it's a dream. Tell me I'm going to wake up and it will all have been a horrible nightmare. Tell me, please tell me that. I don't want to die. I don't want things to end this way. I want to be at the end of the book, not in the middle. So much has happened already, but still so much more is to come.

When I close my eyes I try to picture a calm place. Blue sky, a few cotton ball clouds floating across the surface. A gentle breeze plays with the tall grass. A little stream with a big shade tree along its banks. All I hear are the birds singing, the bugs talking, and the water bubble. I can feel the warmth of the sun, and it makes me feel safe and comfortable. I just sit against the hard bark of the tree. Me feet in the grass, with the blades between my toes. My safe haven from all these tests and the IV's, and the pain. I want to stay there forever. I try to, but the pain is real, the feelings are real. I can't stay long. But maybe when…

"Our Father who art in heaven. Hollowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thyn is the kingdom the power and the glory for ever and ever. Amen."

When I'm gone, will I have left a dent in the world? Will my search for the truth have accomplished at least something? Maybe I shouldn't ask these questions. I wonder though, would I still be here if I had become a Doctor instead? I may not have ended up here, but I don't think I could have been happy. Despite all of the many brushes with death, Mulder and his crusade, and every unexplained case that we have or have not explained, I would not change a thing. Except maybe….

But why dwell on the past, or even the future. I want to….. I need to….. I just want to know why? Why me? Do I have time to let those I love know I love and cherish their every word? My mind is racing with thoughts. Is there nothing I can do anymore? Is it all out of my control? It's….. it's, I don't know it's. I can't stop the tears. They flow so freely now. It's just that I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

As it is written. For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. (Romans 8:28)

God, I pray only to ask for a chance to live my life as I wish to have. A chance for life Lord. All these years I have not wavered in my faith, my belief of your love for me. Please, I lay here begging for something which I am being denied Lord. I do not question why I am here, where I am going. I need help accepting what can not possibly accepted.

Silence now. I do not cry as I lay here, I stare off into the unyielding future that is walking up to my door. What more can I do, say, or think, except that they do not think badly of me. They have seen me crumble, he has seen me crumble, and I know he wants to crumble himself. At least I go to a better place right? He is stuck here in his endless search. I can only hope he reaches the end of his crusade, and can one day find happiness. This is what I think of now. Have I accepted my outcome in the book of life? No. I have merely acknowledged what is happening, as I have not accepted that I am not going to have a happy ending. Maybe my prayers will be answered and I will live through this thing which has been labeled terminal. No, as I have noted before, I can never accept what is happening. There is only one thing I can say right now, that I think anyone in my position can say, whether they have accepted it or not. I can only say, what I cry out in my soul every moment I am left alone. I don't want to die, I'm not ready.


End file.
